Pursuing deferred dreams

A Dream Deferred

By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

Waking up from a lack of dreaming

I enjoyed Langston Hughes' poetry when I was in high school, it was clever and sounded deep.  March Moon always made me want to giggle, but made you feel fancy when you recited it with a straight face.

When I was about 25 I rediscovered his work, or more accurately I found myself in A Dream Deferred.  I looked in the mirror and discovered that I wasn't what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I am strong, vital, fierce, brave and driven. Or at least that was who I was inside.  The outside- the part that everyone else was seeing- had become fat, soft, boring, a simple and tamed mom.  It was horrifying to find myself trapped inside the person I had become.  It was like a bad sci-fi where you wake up someplace strange, with a new face and an unfamiliar life.

That realization reawaken my deferred dreams and set me on a new path as I began trying to fight and crawl my way out the body I had become trapped in.  The dried up passions and dream that had sagged like a heavy load, that part of me was reanimated.

Looking forward

New Year's Eve tends to get people thinking about what they have accomplished on their goals.  People set grand new resolutions.

As I considered where I've been and where I am trying to get to, I happened to come across this article from John Maxwell about Dreams Deferred.  I know about dreams, how they nag and ache on good days, how they "stink like rotten meat" on the bad days so that you have trouble smelling the roses where you already are.  If I was to get a tattoo, it would probably say "unused potential festers."  When those dreams have seemed to move further out of reach, I felt the angst of Hughes' poem and the "wave of negative emotion" that Maxwell described.

Rereading what Maxwell wrote, I am struck by the idea that "dreams are pictures of our purposes" and that "a leader's dream only hints at the richness and wonder of her God-given purpose."    It hadn't occurred to me that a broken or unobtainable dream could really be a looking glass in which to better see yourself.

Maybe some of my dreams have passed too far out of reach,but I'm not ready to concede defeat yet. I still have paths available to me and plenty of fight left in me.  But I think John Maxwell is right that looking at the dreams that have been a part of me for so long can shed light on who I am meant to be.  And that more than one path can lead me there.  It makes road blocks and dead ends a little less scary.

A rather vague postscript

I know this is all frustratingly vague about what my dreams and goals actually are, but they are still a part of me that I hold close.  As long as I actively pursue these dreams, they just feel too fragile and personal to expose openly.  Maybe its a fear of public failure.  Or, more likely, its like making a wish when you blow out the birthday candles- you fear you can't tell anyone or it won't come true.

Surprise!

177.7
30:00 eliptical
1 set legs

I cut my normal leg routine in half today, but it was for a good cause.  I needed to make sure I got my husband to his surprise birthday party on time! 

I am so grateful to have this man in my life who encourages, spoils, supports, and pushes me.  It was nice to get to spoil him a little bit for a change.

Of course this meant that I made all sorts of bad food choices which I will surely regret when I step on the scale in the morning.

Not done, just busy

176.8
17:18, 1.5 mile run on indoor track
75 sit ups
2 sets lifting at home

Even enjoying some time off from work, its still hard to find the time to exercise, and even harder to find the time to blog about it.

I got in a short snowy run on Christmas day.  Icy sidewalks and a wind chill of 12 degrees kept it short, but it felt good to get outside by myself and enjoy moving.  Family time immediately reabsorbed me when I got home so no blog.

I worked the day after Christmas.  I was tired and it was snowy so I just stayed in with the family that evening.

Dec 27th I went for a longer run, just over 2.5 miles.  It was a wind chill of 17 that day, and while much of the roads had been cleared, I still had to be careful on icy patches of the sidewalk.  I stopped to honor the funeral procession going by- cold in my thin gear with the bitter wind, but glad to be alive to feel it.  When I got home, I had to hurry and shower so we could meet some friends to take our kids to play at the Science Museum Oklahoma.  Good day, but too much fun to stop and blog about it.

Life got busier than planned yesterday, and I forgot about it being Friday which means shorter gym hours so I never made it to workout.

Today I enjoyed sleeping in, knowing that I would have plenty of time to go to the gym in the afternoon.  What I didn't realize is that the child care hours are shorter on Saturdays so I only had about 30 minutes from the time I checked the kids in to the time I had to pick them up.  I had hoped to run 1.5 miles in about 15 minutes, but I wasn't quite able to meet my expectations.  My leg muscles seem to lack umph and stamina right now, and drainage made me want to puke by the time I finished!

It was frustrating not being able to fit in the legs workout I wanted, but when I got home I decided I was going to finish strong and not let someone else's schedule stop me.  So I popped in "Battleship" (which Seth got me on DVD for Christmas!) and dug my barbells out of the coat closet.  It wasn't the workout I had planned, but at least it was a workout.

Almost reaching my resolution.. carry me across the finish line?

My goals for 2012 was to try to make life better for those with blood cancer.  I specifically wanted to do this by:

• raising money for research
• running a marathon in honor of my uncle, who we lost to cancer last year
• donating platelets 10 times (blood donations are a literal life line for those battling leukemia and other blood cancers)

I accomplished the 1st two by raising just a smidge over $1200 when I ran the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon with Team in Training in April.  Today I fell short of my third goal, and it was frustrating even though outside of my control.

In August there was a problem with my 9th donation (sprung a leak on the return cycle).  When a platelets donation has to be stopped before they can return your blood (minus the platelets), then you default to a whole blood donation delay of 52 days (instead of the 7 for platelets).  So I was scheduled for my 9th last week and 10th a week later.  Last week I had to cancel due to that head cold, but there was still time to fit in 2 donations this year. 

But today they had trouble catching my vein, and once they did a small delay in the process caused my blood to start clotting in the needle, resulting in too low of draw pressure and aborting the donation.  And 52 days until I can give again.

Maybe this sounds like petty whining, but donating platelets is very important to me.  I know what it means to those who need it because I have friends and family that are only alive because a stranger donated and there was blood on hand when their lives were on the line.

Cancer is so infuriating because we feel so powerless against it.  We talk about "fighting" cancer, but all we can do is pray, raise money for research, and hope that there are better options before someone else you love is diagnosed. 

But there are a few actual concrete ways we can help, if not in curing cancer, then at least in helping a cancer patient have a better shot at survival.  The big commitment is to register on the National Bone Marrow Program as someone who is willing to donate their bone marrow if and when a genetically compatible person needs it.  The other much simpler, and much less painful is to just become a blood donor. 

I can't finish this goal, but maybe one of you will come alongside and cross that finish line for me.  Will you commit to giving your blood or platelets before the end of 2012?

 

Cold, busy and tired.

15:00 rowing
20:00 lifting, 2 sets

It's hard to workout in December.  Socially the calendar is packed, and work life just keeps on rolling along.  The weather and short days make it hard to get in runs (because I am a big sissy about the cold).  This weekend I worked 16 hours and had a big party to attend too.  Since I work almost exactly the hours that the gym is open on the weekends, I did not get in any work outs.

I wore my high heeled boots to work today and by quitting time my feet to knees were telling me they would not cooperate with any running, so upper body it was!  My work out went well and I upped the weights on most of my sets.  I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard though, life is just too busy this time of year.

p.s. no weigh in this morning because I stayed in bed too long and had to scramble to make it to work on time.  My bed is just too warm and comfy and I am too tired, so this is a common problem these days.

Playing catch up

I really haven't posted since Dec 6th?!  Yikes!  Well here is the recap:

December 7-9, 
177.2-179.5
Sick with sore throat and runny nose.  Energy levels low, but still had to work because of being understaffed.  Wouldn't have been that bad if I could have just laid around to rest.

December 10
177.2
11:52, 1 mile on track (no walking breaks)
10:00 rowing
24 minutes, 2 sets leg machines
9 minutes in steam room

I was tired and had some stomach issues, but not that much trouble from the remains of my head cold.  Did well even when it sucked, so I'm proud of it.

December 11
177.2
30:00, elliptical
15 minutes, 2 sets lifting
9 minutes steam 

I ate lots of junky food at the county manager's Christmas party, followed by little smokies and meat balls at a chamber event, resulting in lots of indigestion during my work out.  Nose started running and I started coughing in the steam room.  After I got home I threw up and felt much better.

December 12
177.2
Lame excuses:  Long day, tired, headache and its cold. Also didn't eat dinner until late so never got around to going to the gym.

December 13
177.2
11:48, 1 mile on the track
10:00 Rowing machine
20 minutes, 2 sets leg machines

Good decent work out.  No walk breaks, just stopped 1/2 for a drink of water.  It was my day off so I felt like I had more energy.

December 14th
170.0
15:00 core fusion workout video

I had planned to go run this morning, but it was cold and my bed was warm.  Didn't have a lot of time in my schedule this morning so I tried a workout video.  I hate planks.  Not my proudest workout, but at least I  broke a sweat.

running against the wind

177.2
33:19, 2.53 miles

I didn't have to be at work until 10 this morning, so I headed out the door for a run as the girls headed out the door for school.  I should have left a little earlier so I wouldn't have to rush so frantically to get showered and ready, but I get so little time with the kids during the week that I wanted to wait until they were about to leave.

Today's excuses that I didn't accept:

• its cold and windy!
• my muscles are tired from previous workouts
• this is my only morning I don't have to be somewhere before 8:30, I want to sleep in

Nope, I shoved the excuses aside and went for a run.  I ran a little faster, but needed more walk intervals today, and I spent more time near my max heart rate, so all in all it was a pretty good workout.

Most of the route I take has a sidewalk for me to run on, but I can't help but daydream about being able to run without the noise of traffic and breathing in so much exhaust.

spreading it out

177.2

At work:
10:00, 2 sets light lifting

At the Y:
10:30 steam room
12:58, 500 m swim
9:00 hot tub

At home:
35 situps

Some days you just have to do what you can when you can.  

The excuses not used

177.2
15:00 rowing machine
35:00 stationary bicycle

Today I am proud of myself for working out after my long day.  I worked 8-5 (I vaguely remember lunch at my desk with my phone on my ear) and then had to be downtown for a MOB (Making OKC Beautiful) event from 5:30-7.  I planned ahead and brought my workout clothes with me so I could go to the YMCA just a few blocks from the restaurant. 

This was my first time at this location, and I have to say I liked the Downtown Y.  My back was sore when I was rowing, but not the "STOP NOW!" type of hurt, so I continued on as planned.  I was surprised to find that I could not locate any small free weights for lifting, the lightest being 12 pounds.  I was tempted to call it a night at that point as I don't like to use machines for upper body workouts, but instead I decided I was going to get in a full workout by using the stationary bicycles.  I didn't get quite the workout I had in mind, but I got in a solid 50 minutes of exercise in spite of all the reasons not to.

Excuses I did not have to write in my "Lame Excuses" journal tonight:

• too busy today
• tired
• too full of food that is less than workout friendly (the Fire Burger anyone?)
• the equipment is different than I am used to

Lame excuses

177.2
25:33, 2 miles
20 minutes leg machines

Last week I was tight when I worked out on Monday.  Tuesday was much worse, with pain running along the left side of my spine from the base of  my skull to my tail bone.  I went home a little early from work and just laid on a hot pad.  Wednesday I want to the gym to soak in the hot tub, float in the pool, and stretch in the steam room; Seth rubbed my back till I wanted to cry.  By Thursday it was like a post workout ache, but I decided that lugging around a pack and rifle so soon would not be a good idea, so I decided to spend the weekend doing Christmasy type things with my kids instead of deer hunting, avoiding anything more strenuous than walking a lot and watching parades.

By last night I was sick of taking it easy, I was determined to get back to working out this week.  So I sat down with Seth and planned my workouts for the week, writing them in ink on my schedule.  After work I picked up the family and headed to the gym. Things still feel less than fantastic, but not warning type pain so I kept going. I even discovered a new machine at the gym: calf extensions!  It may have been there all along and I am just now noticing it.

Running is hard.  It always has been.  My brain and/or body always try to talk me out of it at least once on every run. I have given in to that voice too often lately, and as I result I have logged less and less miles because I incrementally talked myself into believing I was capable of less and less. Its time to start reminding myself of what I can and have accomplished.  I am thinking about hanging all my finisher's medals on the Christmas tree (when we ever get around to putting it up!) so I have to see them every time I walk through my living room. So I can be reminded of how far (literally) I have already come, and refix my eyes on where I want to go.

I also had another idea tonight: journaling all my Lame Excuses.  My fitness journal has several  blank sections that you can customize, so I have now designated the last section (so there is less room) as the Lame Excuse section.  How it will work is I am committing to writing in my journal 5-6 days a week (1-2 rest days depending on intensity of training).  Ideally that would be logging 6 workouts, but on days that I don't have a workout to log, I have to write why I didn't work out.  Some days it will be lame in the sense that it just really shouldn't be accepted as a valid reason not to workout.  Other days it may be literally lame excuses, such as needing to rest an injury.

I am hoping that this will help in 2 ways:
#1 data that I can objectively analyze to see what is sabotaging my workouts (do I need to change my scheduling? is hunger making me feel less energetic?  too much stress? do I need to plan better?)
#2 writing down "I'm tired" or "It's cold outside" will make me face the fact that it is a lame excuse, and hopefully I will go for a run rather than let something little stand in between me and my goals.

Totally stole this idea and picture from other people's Facebook feeds