Pursuing deferred dreams

A Dream Deferred

By Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

Waking up from a lack of dreaming

I enjoyed Langston Hughes' poetry when I was in high school, it was clever and sounded deep.  March Moon always made me want to giggle, but made you feel fancy when you recited it with a straight face.

When I was about 25 I rediscovered his work, or more accurately I found myself in A Dream Deferred.  I looked in the mirror and discovered that I wasn't what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I am strong, vital, fierce, brave and driven. Or at least that was who I was inside.  The outside- the part that everyone else was seeing- had become fat, soft, boring, a simple and tamed mom.  It was horrifying to find myself trapped inside the person I had become.  It was like a bad sci-fi where you wake up someplace strange, with a new face and an unfamiliar life.

That realization reawaken my deferred dreams and set me on a new path as I began trying to fight and crawl my way out the body I had become trapped in.  The dried up passions and dream that had sagged like a heavy load, that part of me was reanimated.

Looking forward

New Year's Eve tends to get people thinking about what they have accomplished on their goals.  People set grand new resolutions.

As I considered where I've been and where I am trying to get to, I happened to come across this article from John Maxwell about Dreams Deferred.  I know about dreams, how they nag and ache on good days, how they "stink like rotten meat" on the bad days so that you have trouble smelling the roses where you already are.  If I was to get a tattoo, it would probably say "unused potential festers."  When those dreams have seemed to move further out of reach, I felt the angst of Hughes' poem and the "wave of negative emotion" that Maxwell described.

Rereading what Maxwell wrote, I am struck by the idea that "dreams are pictures of our purposes" and that "a leader's dream only hints at the richness and wonder of her God-given purpose."    It hadn't occurred to me that a broken or unobtainable dream could really be a looking glass in which to better see yourself.

Maybe some of my dreams have passed too far out of reach,but I'm not ready to concede defeat yet. I still have paths available to me and plenty of fight left in me.  But I think John Maxwell is right that looking at the dreams that have been a part of me for so long can shed light on who I am meant to be.  And that more than one path can lead me there.  It makes road blocks and dead ends a little less scary.

A rather vague postscript

I know this is all frustratingly vague about what my dreams and goals actually are, but they are still a part of me that I hold close.  As long as I actively pursue these dreams, they just feel too fragile and personal to expose openly.  Maybe its a fear of public failure.  Or, more likely, its like making a wish when you blow out the birthday candles- you fear you can't tell anyone or it won't come true.

Surprise!

177.7
30:00 eliptical
1 set legs

I cut my normal leg routine in half today, but it was for a good cause.  I needed to make sure I got my husband to his surprise birthday party on time! 

I am so grateful to have this man in my life who encourages, spoils, supports, and pushes me.  It was nice to get to spoil him a little bit for a change.

Of course this meant that I made all sorts of bad food choices which I will surely regret when I step on the scale in the morning.

Not done, just busy

176.8
17:18, 1.5 mile run on indoor track
75 sit ups
2 sets lifting at home

Even enjoying some time off from work, its still hard to find the time to exercise, and even harder to find the time to blog about it.

I got in a short snowy run on Christmas day.  Icy sidewalks and a wind chill of 12 degrees kept it short, but it felt good to get outside by myself and enjoy moving.  Family time immediately reabsorbed me when I got home so no blog.

I worked the day after Christmas.  I was tired and it was snowy so I just stayed in with the family that evening.

Dec 27th I went for a longer run, just over 2.5 miles.  It was a wind chill of 17 that day, and while much of the roads had been cleared, I still had to be careful on icy patches of the sidewalk.  I stopped to honor the funeral procession going by- cold in my thin gear with the bitter wind, but glad to be alive to feel it.  When I got home, I had to hurry and shower so we could meet some friends to take our kids to play at the Science Museum Oklahoma.  Good day, but too much fun to stop and blog about it.

Life got busier than planned yesterday, and I forgot about it being Friday which means shorter gym hours so I never made it to workout.

Today I enjoyed sleeping in, knowing that I would have plenty of time to go to the gym in the afternoon.  What I didn't realize is that the child care hours are shorter on Saturdays so I only had about 30 minutes from the time I checked the kids in to the time I had to pick them up.  I had hoped to run 1.5 miles in about 15 minutes, but I wasn't quite able to meet my expectations.  My leg muscles seem to lack umph and stamina right now, and drainage made me want to puke by the time I finished!

It was frustrating not being able to fit in the legs workout I wanted, but when I got home I decided I was going to finish strong and not let someone else's schedule stop me.  So I popped in "Battleship" (which Seth got me on DVD for Christmas!) and dug my barbells out of the coat closet.  It wasn't the workout I had planned, but at least it was a workout.

Almost reaching my resolution.. carry me across the finish line?

My goals for 2012 was to try to make life better for those with blood cancer.  I specifically wanted to do this by:

• raising money for research
• running a marathon in honor of my uncle, who we lost to cancer last year
• donating platelets 10 times (blood donations are a literal life line for those battling leukemia and other blood cancers)

I accomplished the 1st two by raising just a smidge over $1200 when I ran the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon with Team in Training in April.  Today I fell short of my third goal, and it was frustrating even though outside of my control.

In August there was a problem with my 9th donation (sprung a leak on the return cycle).  When a platelets donation has to be stopped before they can return your blood (minus the platelets), then you default to a whole blood donation delay of 52 days (instead of the 7 for platelets).  So I was scheduled for my 9th last week and 10th a week later.  Last week I had to cancel due to that head cold, but there was still time to fit in 2 donations this year. 

But today they had trouble catching my vein, and once they did a small delay in the process caused my blood to start clotting in the needle, resulting in too low of draw pressure and aborting the donation.  And 52 days until I can give again.

Maybe this sounds like petty whining, but donating platelets is very important to me.  I know what it means to those who need it because I have friends and family that are only alive because a stranger donated and there was blood on hand when their lives were on the line.

Cancer is so infuriating because we feel so powerless against it.  We talk about "fighting" cancer, but all we can do is pray, raise money for research, and hope that there are better options before someone else you love is diagnosed. 

But there are a few actual concrete ways we can help, if not in curing cancer, then at least in helping a cancer patient have a better shot at survival.  The big commitment is to register on the National Bone Marrow Program as someone who is willing to donate their bone marrow if and when a genetically compatible person needs it.  The other much simpler, and much less painful is to just become a blood donor. 

I can't finish this goal, but maybe one of you will come alongside and cross that finish line for me.  Will you commit to giving your blood or platelets before the end of 2012?

 

Cold, busy and tired.

15:00 rowing
20:00 lifting, 2 sets

It's hard to workout in December.  Socially the calendar is packed, and work life just keeps on rolling along.  The weather and short days make it hard to get in runs (because I am a big sissy about the cold).  This weekend I worked 16 hours and had a big party to attend too.  Since I work almost exactly the hours that the gym is open on the weekends, I did not get in any work outs.

I wore my high heeled boots to work today and by quitting time my feet to knees were telling me they would not cooperate with any running, so upper body it was!  My work out went well and I upped the weights on most of my sets.  I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard though, life is just too busy this time of year.

p.s. no weigh in this morning because I stayed in bed too long and had to scramble to make it to work on time.  My bed is just too warm and comfy and I am too tired, so this is a common problem these days.

Playing catch up

I really haven't posted since Dec 6th?!  Yikes!  Well here is the recap:

December 7-9, 
177.2-179.5
Sick with sore throat and runny nose.  Energy levels low, but still had to work because of being understaffed.  Wouldn't have been that bad if I could have just laid around to rest.

December 10
177.2
11:52, 1 mile on track (no walking breaks)
10:00 rowing
24 minutes, 2 sets leg machines
9 minutes in steam room

I was tired and had some stomach issues, but not that much trouble from the remains of my head cold.  Did well even when it sucked, so I'm proud of it.

December 11
177.2
30:00, elliptical
15 minutes, 2 sets lifting
9 minutes steam 

I ate lots of junky food at the county manager's Christmas party, followed by little smokies and meat balls at a chamber event, resulting in lots of indigestion during my work out.  Nose started running and I started coughing in the steam room.  After I got home I threw up and felt much better.

December 12
177.2
Lame excuses:  Long day, tired, headache and its cold. Also didn't eat dinner until late so never got around to going to the gym.

December 13
177.2
11:48, 1 mile on the track
10:00 Rowing machine
20 minutes, 2 sets leg machines

Good decent work out.  No walk breaks, just stopped 1/2 for a drink of water.  It was my day off so I felt like I had more energy.

December 14th
170.0
15:00 core fusion workout video

I had planned to go run this morning, but it was cold and my bed was warm.  Didn't have a lot of time in my schedule this morning so I tried a workout video.  I hate planks.  Not my proudest workout, but at least I  broke a sweat.

running against the wind

177.2
33:19, 2.53 miles

I didn't have to be at work until 10 this morning, so I headed out the door for a run as the girls headed out the door for school.  I should have left a little earlier so I wouldn't have to rush so frantically to get showered and ready, but I get so little time with the kids during the week that I wanted to wait until they were about to leave.

Today's excuses that I didn't accept:

• its cold and windy!
• my muscles are tired from previous workouts
• this is my only morning I don't have to be somewhere before 8:30, I want to sleep in

Nope, I shoved the excuses aside and went for a run.  I ran a little faster, but needed more walk intervals today, and I spent more time near my max heart rate, so all in all it was a pretty good workout.

Most of the route I take has a sidewalk for me to run on, but I can't help but daydream about being able to run without the noise of traffic and breathing in so much exhaust.

spreading it out

177.2

At work:
10:00, 2 sets light lifting

At the Y:
10:30 steam room
12:58, 500 m swim
9:00 hot tub

At home:
35 situps

Some days you just have to do what you can when you can.  

The excuses not used

177.2
15:00 rowing machine
35:00 stationary bicycle

Today I am proud of myself for working out after my long day.  I worked 8-5 (I vaguely remember lunch at my desk with my phone on my ear) and then had to be downtown for a MOB (Making OKC Beautiful) event from 5:30-7.  I planned ahead and brought my workout clothes with me so I could go to the YMCA just a few blocks from the restaurant. 

This was my first time at this location, and I have to say I liked the Downtown Y.  My back was sore when I was rowing, but not the "STOP NOW!" type of hurt, so I continued on as planned.  I was surprised to find that I could not locate any small free weights for lifting, the lightest being 12 pounds.  I was tempted to call it a night at that point as I don't like to use machines for upper body workouts, but instead I decided I was going to get in a full workout by using the stationary bicycles.  I didn't get quite the workout I had in mind, but I got in a solid 50 minutes of exercise in spite of all the reasons not to.

Excuses I did not have to write in my "Lame Excuses" journal tonight:

• too busy today
• tired
• too full of food that is less than workout friendly (the Fire Burger anyone?)
• the equipment is different than I am used to

Lame excuses

177.2
25:33, 2 miles
20 minutes leg machines

Last week I was tight when I worked out on Monday.  Tuesday was much worse, with pain running along the left side of my spine from the base of  my skull to my tail bone.  I went home a little early from work and just laid on a hot pad.  Wednesday I want to the gym to soak in the hot tub, float in the pool, and stretch in the steam room; Seth rubbed my back till I wanted to cry.  By Thursday it was like a post workout ache, but I decided that lugging around a pack and rifle so soon would not be a good idea, so I decided to spend the weekend doing Christmasy type things with my kids instead of deer hunting, avoiding anything more strenuous than walking a lot and watching parades.

By last night I was sick of taking it easy, I was determined to get back to working out this week.  So I sat down with Seth and planned my workouts for the week, writing them in ink on my schedule.  After work I picked up the family and headed to the gym. Things still feel less than fantastic, but not warning type pain so I kept going. I even discovered a new machine at the gym: calf extensions!  It may have been there all along and I am just now noticing it.

Running is hard.  It always has been.  My brain and/or body always try to talk me out of it at least once on every run. I have given in to that voice too often lately, and as I result I have logged less and less miles because I incrementally talked myself into believing I was capable of less and less. Its time to start reminding myself of what I can and have accomplished.  I am thinking about hanging all my finisher's medals on the Christmas tree (when we ever get around to putting it up!) so I have to see them every time I walk through my living room. So I can be reminded of how far (literally) I have already come, and refix my eyes on where I want to go.

I also had another idea tonight: journaling all my Lame Excuses.  My fitness journal has several  blank sections that you can customize, so I have now designated the last section (so there is less room) as the Lame Excuse section.  How it will work is I am committing to writing in my journal 5-6 days a week (1-2 rest days depending on intensity of training).  Ideally that would be logging 6 workouts, but on days that I don't have a workout to log, I have to write why I didn't work out.  Some days it will be lame in the sense that it just really shouldn't be accepted as a valid reason not to workout.  Other days it may be literally lame excuses, such as needing to rest an injury.

I am hoping that this will help in 2 ways:
#1 data that I can objectively analyze to see what is sabotaging my workouts (do I need to change my scheduling? is hunger making me feel less energetic?  too much stress? do I need to plan better?)
#2 writing down "I'm tired" or "It's cold outside" will make me face the fact that it is a lame excuse, and hopefully I will go for a run rather than let something little stand in between me and my goals.

Totally stole this idea and picture from other people's Facebook feeds

Rather tight (and not just my waistline)

180.1
12:24, 1 mile on indoor track
10:00 rowing
1 set lifting
1 hour yoga video

For days after my hunting victory, my calves were ridiculously tight, which coupled with exhaustion and being busy with the holiday and work gave me ample excuses to not work out.  At least I didn't balloon up over Thanksgiving like years past.  But no more excuses, time to get back on track.

We went to the gym as a family after dinner (yummy venison back strap and garlic mash potatoes!) and I decided to warm up with a mile on the track.  Immediately I found lots of tightness and stiffness.  My lower back/tail bone was stiff as well as around my leg just above my knees.  I was kind of surprised because this is not where I usually carry tension, but I ran anyway and didn't do too horribly.  The jack on my MP3 player seems to have gone out so I worked out without music.

Rowing went well, but its weird trying to find a rhythm without music.

I found myself getting frustrated with how little the weights I was lifting were compared to everyone else in the weight room and ended up quitting after 1 set.  Bad attitude, I know, but sometimes it happens.

When we got home my 7 year old wanted to do yoga (she tells her sister it helps her release stress and relax!) and because of the evening's tightness I thought that sounded like a good idea.  The other yoga videos we had watched on Hulu had been between 20 and 40 minutes- I didn't realize that this one was an hour!  Annmarie ended up quitting about half way through, which was good because it was already past her bedtime. 

If this tightness persists, I may have to start doing more yoga, even though it's really not my style. It's time to get back into the workout groove and start making some headway.

Better shot for better protein and better muscles

178.1

Happy Thanksgiving!

This morning my dad and I got up way before the sun and drove a couple hours to spend Thanksgiving as so many other Oklahomans do- deer hunting!

The morning was cool but not too terribly cold, and I had the privilege of watching one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen.  It was so peaceful to sit and watch it rise as the colors changed from a rich red to lighter pinks.  It was a windy morning, so we didn't see any deer in the clearing. 

So we went stalking for about an hour and a half, trying to scare the deer out of their hidey holes in the brush.  Dad coached me a little bit and then set me loose to double our odds.  Stalking with a 20 pound pack and 7.5 pound gun was fantastic exercise and I had to stop and remove layers as I kept sweating.  I had decided to wear my New Balance Minimus trail shoes because my tennis shoes felt too noisy.  I'm glad I did because it was a lot easier to move quietly in the trail shoes. 

I enjoyed stalking around our place, but I was glad when it was time to pack it in and go eat lunch at Grandma's house.  I stacked my plate high with turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, and all of Grandma's yummy cooking.  I didn't even feel guilty eating a piece of her pecan pie AND my mom's Dutch apple pie, because I knew I had put in a hard morning's work with more to come.

When I went back out to hunt in the afternoon, I picked a spot to sit just below the pond with a creek bed off to my right and a good view of a field that was covered in deer tracks.  Dad had gone off walking in another area so I set there enjoying my solitude.  After a little while I heard what sounded like something walking in the brush in the creek bed.  There were a lot of fallen leaves between me and the treeline so I slowly crept over to try to get a look at the source of the noise.  When I finally made it into position I didn't see anything so I sat and watched for a while before moving back into my spot.  Must just be squirrels I decided.  A little bit later I heard it again, darn squirrels.  I kept hearing it, and I just felt like I needed to check one more time so I snuck back over to the treeline.  And there it was: a buck!  About 40 yards away, on the other side of the creek bed, a buck was walking through the brush.  I got down on one knee, took my aim and fired.  One shot was all it took, a perfect hit to the heart and the deer fell where he stood.  You should have heard me whooping and hollering!


The victory of the huntress

Dad found me about this time and came over to take my picture with my prize.  He held my rifle so I could drag it out by the antlers.  It was a heavy deer so we threw the rope over a branch and used Dad's truck to help hoist it up so I could gut, skin and butcher it.  I felt so proud knowing that I was directly providing the food that my family will eat.  It was frustrating having to throw away the hide (I believe you should use all of the animal that you can) but with such a warm fall it was crawling with ticks!  This may sound silly, but the grossest part of field dressing the deer was not the blood and guts, but having to deal with the ticks crawling in the area I needed to make my 1st incision.

I was so excited that I forgot about dinner until I got home and Seth carried in left overs from his mom's house.  It was a physically exhausting day and I know I will have sore muscles in the morning, but what a satisfying day with many healty and yummy meals in my future.

The latest fad: the Lousy Shot Weight Loss Program

Step 1: wake up ridiculously early (3-5AM) and have a nutritional shake and at least 3 cups of coffee to stay awake while driving to the middle of nowhere.  Coffee acts as a diuretic, speeds up your heart rate, and when taken on an empty stomach gives you a mild sense of nausea all day reducing the real food you will want to eat.

Step 2: Put on your 3 layers of clothes, 20 pound pack (survival gear, food and water, extra ammo, and your new deer skinning accessories you won't get to use), and carry your 6.5 lb rifle omitting a sling for full arm workout.

Step 3:  Hold still in various poses for hours while waiting for a shot, such as kneeling, criss-cross applesauce, and the sphinx pose.  Laying prone on the ground before sunrise and after sunset will sap body heat, so drink more coffee to stop shivering (see step 1 for the many benefits of coffee).  When Step 3 fails to produce any deer, proceed to step 4.

Step 4: Walk 3-4 miles slowly around the countryside (carrying step 2's gear) over the course of the day.  While the speed isn't enough to raise your heart rate, don't worry, the anticipation, the adrenaline of shooting at (and missing) deer, and the creepiness of the walk alone down the twisty overgrown lane in the dark before sunrise and after sunset (complete with surprise bird flights and unidentified rustling in the woods) will do their part to spike your heart rate.

Step 5: As a bonus, missing the deer adds a diet component to the weight loss program as you are forced into vegetarianism.

The love of a good man

180.3
12:47, 1 mile run on indoor track
15 minutes, 2 sets lifting
13:00 walk break at work

This morning's workout was not good.  For some reason, a lap and a half into my run (just over 1/10th of a mile) I became so winded and sluggish that I had to take a walk break!  It was a struggle worse than I have had since I first started running in late 2009.  My muscles felt heavy and lifeless, just no pep at all, but I FINISHED my mile dang it!

My confidence was shot, but I headed down to the weight room anyway.  I knew that I needed help, and I'm not ashamed to ask for, so I asked my husband to get off the treadmill and come lift with me (he almost never lifts but still has the same amazingly huge arms from when we first started dating in high school, unfair!).  I am so thankful that he did.  He kept me going and cheered me on.

Seth has always encouraged and supported me in this journey:

• watching the kids so I can run
• volunteering to take care of chores so I can focus on working out
• insisting that I get out of bed and go to the gym with him this morning
• prioritizing fitness in our tight budget and schedule
• standing for hours in the cold rain to cheer for me when I ran the half and the full marathons
• washing my stinky sweaty workout clothes without complaint
• buying me a package of massages for Valentine's Day during my marathon training
• pep talking me when I have a fat/tired/mean/crying day
• cooking more nutritiously for the family so I can lose weight- even when I went VEGAN for a while
• taunting me when I want to quit
• gently encouraging me when I want to quit
• fixing me ice baths
• bringing me chocolate milk in the ice bath
• making me rest every once in a while
• counting my sit ups
• supporting me every step I have taken

On my worst day Seth never gives up on me, and he won't let me give up on me either!

emotional drain

178.6
14:00 elliptical
20:27, 2 sets leg and core machines
14:23, 500 meter swim
8:00 steam room

You hear all the time that half the battle is mental.  Its true! 

Last night I had trouble sleeping as I kept running scenarios of important conversations  in my head.  It took extra coffee to keep me upright for the debrief on the performance evaluation process this morning, and I was really looking forward to hitting the gym after the meeting.  On the way to the gym I got a call from the hubby letting me know that our bank card was overcharged by the restaurant- I was steamed and frustrated by having to deal with it.  Then I got to the gym and realized I had forgotten my MP3 player. Grr!

By the time I made it the weight room, I was emotionally drained which left me physically drained. I pushed through anyway, but I can't help thinking I would have done much better and enjoyed it more if I wouldn't have wasted all that energy being upset. 

Running in dive gear

178.6
38:57, 3.0 miles run
4:12, .23 mile cool down walk

It was a pleasant 45 degrees when I headed out for my run tonight so I pulled out my Under Armor Cold Gear pants and top.  I was skinnier last time I wore it.  It looked like a pleasantly over weight, middle aged lady wearing a wet suit.  Yep, that will get you motivated!

It was really a nice night.  It was cold but calm. My pecs were sore from yesterdays workout, but my legs did well.

I had been stressed when I got home tonight, but the world always seems better during a post run cool down walk.

Nothing inspiring

180.3
15:00 rowing machine
19:27 lifting/upper body, 2 sets
10:00 steam room

I had way too much birthday cake yesterday (my baby is 6!) and it all jumped on the scales to greet me this morning.

My workout was nothing exciting or inspiring.  My shoulders were sore and wore out fast on the rowing machines.  Also lacked much pep in my arms when I was lifting.  Not exciting, but part of the daily grind that is necessary to move forward.

My goals this week

3 gym workouts
2 runs
3 days food diary

Kilts mean no complaining

178.8
30:51, 2.32 mile run
4:11, .22 mile cool down

We have a rule at our house: no complaining allowed when you wear a kilt.  That's why I decided to wear my Sportkilt for my run today. 

As I was about to get dressed to go running, I suddenly started hurting. I was so frustrated because the last 2 days had been too full to work out, and I had made some less than healthy dietary choices leaving me feeling sluggish and large.  Well, forget that!  I only had a small window in which I could exercise today and I wasn't going to let pain stop me! The only choice left was to run anyways, so I put on the kilt because that means no quitting, no complaining.  Given the conditions I found outside, its good that I did.

I walked out on the porch and turned right back around to change into my cold wear top.  The news channel's weather page claimed it was 50 degrees, but just down the street the sign said 41.  I'm pretty sure the sign was right.  It was also very windy, and for about half of the run I was going into such a strong cold headwind that my eyes kept tearing up. 

It was a painful and uncomfortable run.  But I kept finding myself thinking about what I was doing on November 11, 2011.  That was the first day of my training for my first marathon.  I thought about all those cold runs.  About the emotional pain I worked through on those nightly runs (I was running to raise $ for cancer research in memory of my uncle we had lost that summer).  I thought about how huge it had all felt, how impossibly long those longer training runs with the Team had seemed.  I thought about the part of the race where it felt like I could go no further, where each step became a painful challenge of its own.

Today was a hard run, but I have had much, much harder, colder, longer runs than this.  And I don't quit, especially when I am wearing a kilt.

I hate excuses

177.5
15 minute walk break at work

I hate making excuses, but today I did not run as I had planned because of tummy trouble.  I had been excited all week about getting to go the Red Coyote's Pint Pack Run at the OKC Zoo's new running paths, but today I feel sick and decided not to run.  I don't know why I am nauseous, but I hate not being able to play.  I hope this blows over quickly.  Tomorrow is very busy day with a long day at work followed by a Chamber fundraiser in the evening.  Not sure how I will fit in a workout, even if I feel better.  It's not looking good for this week's goals.

In other news, I have been trying to decide if I want to train for the OKC marathon.  My little sister has said she is going to attempt it (her 1st full), and the competive side of me wants to challenge her.  But I know that last time I gained weight while training (extra muscle but also all those carbs for fuel) and right now my goal is weight loss.  I want to do more marathons, but I need to decide where my focus is and how I want to get there.

Good old and simple hard work

177.5
30:00 elliptical (325 calories)
20:00, 2 sets leg and abs machines
10:00 steam room

Had a good workout, pushing even when I felt like quitting.  My glutes were sore today from a mad dash up and down stairs at the musical last night.

The steam room felt great and then I laid out on the back patio in soaking up a few minutes quiet and sunshine while I cooled off from the steam. 

Just good old fashion hard work towards getting what I want to achieve.

Squeezing it in where you can

177.5
15:00 walk break at work

My goals this week are:

• log 5 workouts
• do a food diary 3 days
• take 3 walking breaks at work

Today is going to be busy- Work, voting, then girls night out with dinner downtown and going to see Mary Poppins. Needless to say, there isn't a lot of time or energy left over for a trip to the gym.  So walk break it is!  Its a very lovely day, sunny and slightly cool with not too much wind. 

I like going for a walk on my breaks, it really helps clear the head better than using the break to play on Facebook, and I am more likely to take my whole break than if I stay inside.  Its not a substitute for a trip to the gym, but it is something else good I can do for myself and burning an extra 90 calories isn't a bad idea either!

A birthday adventure

177.9
39:38, 1.5 mile nature hike

Today was my daughter's birthday, so when we surprised her with a nature hike after school.  We brought walking shoes for her, and drove straight to Lake Thunderbird after school.  She was so excited and the whole family had a good time- even our dog got to go!

The girls and their trusty companion

JW got to carry her own water due to a runny nose

Walking with her daddy

Princess Betty really enjoyed all the sniffing

Fall has arrived in a big way

 After our walk through the woods, we drove down to the beach and let the kids play as the sun was setting.  It was such a beautiful day to enjoy the outdoors, thankful to have such an excellent place to play so close to us.

Exploring with their dog

We had the beach to ourselves

It was "quick sand" so they jumped from rock to rock

A very happy birthday girl

Stopped by progress

176.9
17:47, 2.51 mile bike ride

The weather was so perfect this evening that I decided to go for a bike ride on the lovely walking paths by the river in the OKC Boathouse District.  I have been excited by all the cool stuff going in down there, but not today. 

I ran along the south side when I was training for the marathon, but I was excited to try out the north side, so I parked by the Chesapeake Finish Line Tower and headed west on my bicycle.  I got as far as the River Cruise boarding area and had to turn around due to the whole area being cordoned off for construction. I headed back east, but just past the Devon Boathouse the sidewalk was blocked off for more construction.  I had to ride through the grass and around the construction to get back on the path, but there really isn't much east of there. 

I am excited to see these kinds of improvements going into our city, but today I was just cranky about not being able to ride along the river on such a pretty evening.

Doing better for me

177.9
12 minute walk (on break at work)
13:56, .82 mile walk/jog with dog
50 sit ups
2 sets lifting
medicine ball

Today I made deliberate choices to do good.  I took advantage of the beautiful weather and the nice campus next to my work to take a walk break.  I made better food choices bringing me under my calorie goal for the day (started using My Daily Plate again).  And when I was wrong about the gym schedule, I didn't let the gym being closed give me an excuse to wimp out.

My arch was a little too twingy last night so I decided to avoid too much impact and give my body a chance to heal itself.  I also wore my tennis shoes to work rather than risk injury just for fashion's sake.  If only I could find some dress shoe/running shoe hybrid that would give me the comfort, support, and speed, but while looking good enough to meet society's expectations of women's business professional.

I have to say that blogging contributed to my workout tonight.  I was motivated to make sure I worked out, just so I could start a post with my improved weight.  And I knew that I couldn't just post a walk or I would have only myself to blame if the number went back up tomorrow.  Getting my coworkers involved, publicizing my results, and working towards a clearly defined goal are all making this road a little easier to follow.

Same imput= Same output

23:12, 750 meter lap swim
10:00 hot tub break
15:00 treading water
10:00 steam room (with 10 situps thrown in for good measure!)

Today I was sitting in the break room with a friend.  We were both talking about how we need to lose 30 pounds and about who it would be harder for.  We just had to laugh when I pointed out  that we were having this argument while eating coconut cream pie!  Then my associate suggested that make it a contest, he having previously witnessed my rather competitive nature (when I trash talked a lot before he stomped me in the Warrior Dash!) and knowing that this would help motivate us both.  As we discussed details and tried to agree on measures of success and rewards, other staff began to overhear and interest built.  By the time we had to leave for the day, several people had expressed interest so I'm hoping to see this take off and maybe create a new fitness culture in our workplace that will benefit us all.

With all the goings on this week and multiple 9+ hour work days, it has been extra challenging to fit in work outs.  Yesterday I wore boots with a heel and no support all day, even trick or treating, so today my feet were not happy with me, prompting a low impact workout. 

In the past my normal swim workout was 500 meters, but tonight I decided that if I want to see change I must first change what I am doing, so I pushed further and did 750.  I was tired, especially having not eaten dinner yet, but after some poking and prodding from Seth, I got out of the hot tub to go tread water with him. 

Losing weight and getting into shape is really hard, but I want this.  I am tired of feeling trapped in a body that doesn't match who I really am.  I will train hard, eat less coconut cream pie, and keep pushing until I get to where I want to be.  In January 2009, as I approached my 25th birthday weighing 215 pounds, I set a goal of 155.  With my 29th birthday just over 17 weeks away, I am determined not to ever spend another birthday overweight.

Dear diary, today I kicked butt...

179.2
30 minutes elliptical
25 minutes lifting/upper body (2 sets)
10 minutes steam room

Today was a ridiculously long day:  I worked 9 hours, then went to a community forum, and then put in a real workout at the gym.  No corners cut. Full energy.

I feel really good about my workout.  I did my best and was able to put in a lot more energy than I thought I even had to give.  By the end of the workout my quads, biceps and back had all taken their turns yelling at me, which means I must be doing something right.

The steam room has become my reward again.  I value those 10 minutes of quiet and rest.  So much of my day is spent on the move, with constant demands on my attention, and now with the weather change, I'm a little cold all day long.  But in the steam room I get to be alone and warm. Ahh.

Is that how you want to be remembered?

37:45, 3 miles on inside track
2 sets of leg machines
10:00 steam room
10:00 ice bath

Today at the gym my husband decided to walk on the track so he could be there to encourage me and to walk with me when I took my walking breaks.  I'm glad he did.

Running on the track can be challenging: I tend to go out faster and without scenery it is more of a mental challenge as well.  I was doing pretty well, but about about a half mile from my goal I pulled up beside Seth and said, "I think I am going to cheat and just walk this lap." Seth looked at me and said, "Is that how you want to be remembered?"  Grrr!  He knows me so well and knows just how to push my buttons!  I was mad enough to swear, but I used it to run again and finish my 3 miles strong.  He's right, I don't want to be remembered as someone who takes it easy, who quits when it hurts.  I am doing this for me, and I am the one who gets cheated when I do less than my best.

After exhausting myself on the track I went to the weight room and did the leg machines.  It was hard!  My legs had already been working for 38 minutes and they didn't want to do any more.  The leg extensions and glute workouts where especially hard, but I am glad that I did them.  It was a workout that I could feel proud of.

I headed to the steam room and enjoyed my reward of 10 warm minutes of relaxation.  But I could tell that my legs had pushed harder than I have in a while and so we picked up a couple bags of ice on the way home.  It had been quite a while since I have taken ice baths, but I climbed into the tub wearing my hoodie and read Runner's World while I tried to ignore the lower half of my body.  

Grumble grumble grumble

12:00 rowing machine
2 sets lifting

I had a bad morning- stressed about report cards, frustrated at finances, and angry that I couldn't find the pair of jeans I wanted to wear to work (which also cut into my workout time).

Generally a good upper body work out will burn off any aggression and leave me feeling stronger, but today it only seemed to amplify all that negativity.  I was even more frustrated because I was going to work mad, which is not fair to those around me.  But here's the thing, I like my job and I love my coworkers, and within 30 minutes they had completely lifted my spirits.

Dead leg running

181.4
21:47, 1.61 mile run
3 sets of leg machines

Today was long and I wore high heeled boots all day, so by the time I got home from work at a quarter till 7 my toes were crying and I was spent.  So after dinner I went to the gym.

There was no energy left in my legs, but I willed them to keep moving in a running like manner.  My pecs and biceps were sore from yesterday's workout so even my upper body was complaining at me.  I told them to shut up and let me run.  Despite my body's protestations, I enjoyed my run.  It was the first time I had ever done the outdoor running track at the Earlywine YMCA, and I could feel the changes coming in the weather.  I just enjoyed moving, feeling like I am going to make it somewhere.  And my brain seems to enjoy running too.  I don't know if it is the rhythm of it all, the solitude, the break from normal life, or just the happy work out chemicals, but running almost always leaves me feeling better than when I started (although euphoric "runner's high" is not usual for me).

After forcing my legs to run, I further continued my self torture/training by heading inside the gym for the leg machines.  The first 2 sets of each machine were not that hard, but man did I have to focus my will power to muscle through the 3rd set!

Part of what helped me about halfway through my run was imagining who/where I want to be.  Sometimes that backfires and I end up feeling more down because of how far it is and bemoan how I will never get there, etc.  But for some reason my optimism seems to have returned and I once again feel like I am moving in the right direction.  On the way home from the gym I decided to set a ridiculously big goal: I want to weigh 150 pounds on my 29th birthday.  That's just over 18 weeks to lose 31 pounds. Is that too crazy? Maybe, but I started this journey as I neared my 25th birthday with a goal of reaching 155, and its about time I got to where I am going.

Not there yet, but I like where I'm heading!

181.4
15:00 rowing machine
19 minutes lifting/upper body, 2 sets
13:00 steam room

I was sore today from the trail run, but not nearly as sore as I had feared.  Like a junkie I wanted more endorphins so I headed to the gym this evening for my next fix.  I had a great workout tonight in spite of my soreness.  I was able to find my rhythm on the rowing machine and probably could have rowed longer, but I wanted to make sure I get in some good weight lifting too. 

The weights were crowded this evening so I had to mix up my order based on what was available when.  I upped some of the weight and reps and did well.  I felt strong and pushed my arms just far enough.

Its been a while since I have been able to stay in the steam room very long, but tonight went better.  Its so warm and almost comforting at times.  I listened to opera and just tried to relax and do some light stretching.  I think some of the tightness that has been plaguing me lately loosened up a bit which would be excellent.

I am proud of tonight's workout and I genuinely enjoyed it.  It hurt just the right amount and I didn't take any soft excuses from myself.  If I can churn out more runs like yesterday and workouts like this evening (and turn away from the desserts!) then I can reach my goals and be who I want to be.  Such a nice change to feel like I am moving closer instead of getting farther from achievement.

Running slowly in the woods (with a camera)

181.4

1:56:27, 6.16 mile trail run




Map of Clear Bay trails

Today was my day off, so of course I started it like most days off- by going to work!  After a couple hours of taking care of business I was ready to blow off some steam and get sweaty so I headed out to Lake Thunderbird in the rain for a long run.  I always enjoy trail running so much, and I can never quite find the right words to do just to beauty around me so I decided to bring a camera this time. 


It was so rainy and humid that at first the lens kept fogging

It was perfect trail running weather- raining and breezy!  The rain cools the body, and you can almost feel it refreshing the woods around you.  The sound of the rain on the leaves is so soothing.

It's a mountain bike trail, so sometimes the incline is intense

 I ran part of Green to Yellow to Red to Blue loop , then retraced back on Red to Yellow and then completed Green loop.  Each trail is a little more difficult than the other, and since these are actually mountain bike trails they can be a bit steep and rough.  Most of it is doable on foot, but a few places are a bit scary/fun.


1st view of Lake Thunderbird on Blue Loop

Blue Loop

Today my legs were tired, and I lacked speed even more than usual.  But the upside to being slow is that you have more time to enjoy the scenery. 

Whitetails are hard to photograph without a zoom!

 During my run I was privileged to see lots of squirrels, butterflies, 2 doves, 2 cottontail rabbits and 11 whitetail does.  I always slow down when I see deer, this is their home and I respect that, even if they are super yummy!


About half way done, one of my favorite spots

Watching the clouds roll away



At about mile 3 the rain stopped and the clouds started to clear. Beautiful sight, but it made the day get hot and muggy, slowing me down a bit more.  But I was having a blast and had found that elusive and mythical "runner's high"- why else would I still be grinning like an idiot after running 5 miles up and down uneven terrain?!

Mile 5.3

 

The woods seem almost magical at times.  The light coming through the leaves amplifying the already beautiful colors. Today I had the woods entirely to myself, the most recent tracks on the trail were from deer.  For the whole 2 hours I was in the woods I didn't see or hear a single human being, and that feels so good in today's hectic world.

Following in the foot steps of the deer

 I didn't run fast, but I ran far.  And I stopped often to take pictures or to observe wildlife.  Sure, I wish I was faster or stronger, but I am so grateful for the health, freedom and access to be able to enjoy a run like this. I hope I never lose the ability or the desire to trail run.

Some stats from my Garmin Forerunner 305

I like charts too!

Garmin's Training Center is a bit confused, I don't actually run underwater

Leisurely weekend

181.4
Friday: walking and roller skating
Saturday: working 8 hours then walking
Sunday: working 6.5 hours then walking

"Just walking" is exhausting.

Friday we took the kids to the Science Museum Oklahoma and walked all over that place!  The kids had a blast and after 5 hours there, I was ready for a nap!  I didn't get a chance for one though because that evening was a friend's birthday party, which was also a blast.  We even went roller skating, which was extra exhausting because the kid's didn't know how, so we got a double workout just keeping them on their feet.  Crawled into bed and fell asleep as soon as we got home.

Saturday I had to work a full day.  Unfortunately we were down a (wo)man due to illness so we had to work 50% harder to keep up with the load.  I spent half the day on my feet, bending and turning. I was bone weary by the time 5:00 came around.  After work I rushed home, scarfed down some spaghetti and took Annmarie with me to Light the Night.  It was such a nice night and I enjoyed the walk, but it sure felt longer than a mile!

I worked again today, and again we were a man down so 50% more.  I never even sat down at my desk!  This evening was really pleasant and we went to meet my parents at Bricktown for dinner.  We forgot about the mass inconvenience that is the OKC Thunder and ended up having to park on the far side of Bass Pro.  We walked to dinner then walked to get frozen yogurt for dessert then walked back along the canal to go home.  It was a really great evening and I enjoyed walking and visiting with my family.

Such a busy weekend with so much activity, no time for a formal workout, and yet utterly exhausting.  I am hoping that next week I can create and stick with a workout plan other than "just stand all day."

A little bit of restfulness

180.6
1.25 mile leisurely stroll
15:00 soak in hot tub

Took the family to explore a different part of Lake Thunderbird after tonight.  We strolled up and down Zoom Beach as the sun was setting.  The kids explored, finding tracks of deer, dogs, raccoons and geese.  They looked at rocks, shells, fish heads, turtle skeletons and flotsam that had washed ashore.  We heard deer calls and stopped to listen to the wind and waves.  It was the perfect evening and I could feel my stress just melting away.  On the way back through Norman we stopped at the YMCA and just enjoyed a nice soak in the hot tub.  Such a wonderful evening with my family, passing on what I value: curiosity, love of nature, and the simple joy of moving.

1/2 mile dog

15:07, .89 mile with Princess Betty
12:50, 1.02 mile run
35 sit ups
2 sets lifting

It was a beautiful evening so when Annmarie asked to go to the park, it was an easy yes.  I decided to take my dog, Princess Betty, with me.  This was the first time I ever ran with Betty, I always assumed that she was too short and too middle aged to want to run.  She was so excited and enthusiastic, pulling on the leash and sniffing like crazy.  It was great to have her energy by my side.  But then.... I hit the half mile and suddenly I realized that I was the one pulling on the leash, so I walked the rest of the loop and let her hang out with Seth while the kids played.  It was such a nice run.

One tired puppy!

fail

178.6
10:00 rowing
6:45 walking on the treadmill

I want to tell you about the awesome trail run that I planned for this morning.  Or about how when I didn't get the needed sleep, I instead worked a gym visit into my schedule and had an amazing workout just brimming with endorphins!

But that's not what I get to write about.  Instead I failed. I didn't go for the 6.5 mile glorious trail run.  While I did work in a gym visit, it was not good.

Truth is: my shoulders were tight so I only rowed 10 instead of 15.  And then I got on the treadmill to walk for 30 minutes, but I got fussy, tired, irritated and bored and just quit.  I started walking over to the weights, but then decided I didn't want to do that either.

I don't know why today's workout went sour, I just know it did.  I know my attitude sucked.  I know that I will never get where I want to be if I don't perform drastically differently.  But I also know that everyone has bad days.  We all fail now and then.  And I know that it will be OK.  Tomorrow I will pick myself back up and try again.  And I will keep trying until I either get where I want to be or until they bury me.

Running lost

32:43, 2.31 mile run
4:45, .23 mile cool down
35 situps
2 sets lifting at home

I just felt lost, without direction this morning.  Cranky and indecisive.  I hoped that working out would help, but I just found myself getting annoyed at how much traffic there was and having to listen to the car noise.  I found myself getting more stressed out and frustrated so I ended up switching my music to opera which seemed to help some.  I guess I've just had too much stress and not enough rest and relaxation lately. Or maybe its hormones, or the shorter days, or the cloudiness, or any number of things! 

Its not often that a good dose of sweat doesn't improve my mood, but today it just didn't help.  I mustered myself up and went to work anyway, determined to fake it so I wouldn't infect anyone else with my discontent.  Then I had a really good customer interaction, going beyond her expectations and surprising the customer with options she was not aware of.  Then, the sun came out and I seized the chance to soak it up on my break.  Then I had a very pleasant cup of coffee with a cookie.  Finally, my clouds were banished and I could get back to my normal cheerful nature.  So glad to get out of that funk!

Boosting morale through self-discipline

180.5
5:30, .26 mile warm up walk
26:23, 1.98 mile run
6:03, .29 mile cool down walk

Today was a rough day. I had two employees out sick, was greeted by a massive jam, and I managed to hit my head on the machinery while trying to get caught up on the backlog of work.  I don't know what I would have done without the support, help and encouragement of my fantastic coworkers, but by the end of the day I was spent.

I became more and more fussy as the evening wore on, just dissatisfied, but without a real clear focus to this ill content.  Finally I had enough of my bad attitude and made myself put on my running gear and head out the door.  I knew with this kind of mood I needed a change of scenery, and a path that would not allow me to cut thing short when it got uncomfortable, so I struck out on a new loop.

My goal tonight was not a particular speed or distance, but rather to run until I could come home happy.  I met that goal.  But now I smell almost as bad as my attitude stank earlier, so time for a bath!

Finisher's medal without racing

178.4
2.5 hours of hunting runners
2 miles of walking

This morning I woke up at 3:45, ate my toast, poured coffee into my travel mug, and was on the road at 4:20 AM.  It was still dark and cold when I parked alone in the field next a prison in Hinton, Oklahoma.  Why would a mild mannered librarian behave so oddly?  Zombies! 

Yes, that's right, I joined the zombie horde terrorizing runners at the Dirty 30 Zombie Edition obstacle course race.  I hunted with a pack of 4 other "fast" zombies, stealing life flags from every runner we could.  I made grown men scream like little girls, and put fear into many who passed my way. 

Being a Zombie isn't easy.  First, we needed to report in at 6 so the makeup artists could infect us and complete our transformations.  At one point we had to evacuate the make up tent because one of the rented water trucks caught on fire about 30 yards away.  The cold temperatures made it difficult to transform us as it dramatically affected the drying time on the latex make up and the fake blood.

Once we were all ready, we went outside and filmed a short video of our ambling horde for the race to use in future promos.  Then we split up and walked out to our kill zones along the course.  It was quite a hike, and I was surprised by how difficult the terrain was in comparison so previous Dirty 30s.  After about 25 minutes walking/hiking our group was put in place and we started planning our tactics.

Chasing runners may just be harder than actually running the race.  So much sprinting, dodging and turning, it was downright exhausting.  I took lots of blocking blows on my wrists, arms and other various body parts.  At one point my prey went in an unexpected direction and neither of us could stop in time, resulting in her shoulder connecting with my throat rather hard.  And the whole time I was hunting I was growling, moaning and making all other threatening manner of zombie noises, resulting in a very sore throat! I also found that prolonged Zombie shuffling (when moving back to my ambush spot or lulling the runners into complacency) is hard on the lower back.  But I collected a huge pile of flags, potential bruising, and a great time.

By the time I was done and made it back to the Zombie tent, I decided I had enough adventure for one Saturday (and not enough food, sleep or warmth) so I decided not to run the race I had just worked.  All Zombies received the same shirt and finisher's medal as the runners.  After 2.5 hours of chasing the runners, I earned.

Stinks like success

178.4!!!
15:00 rowing machine
15:00, 1.08 miles on treadmill
20:00 lifting
35 sit ups

I stink right now, and I couldn't be happier.  I smell like stinky achievement! 

My morning started out with me blearily staring at my scale trying to figure out why the last number had jumped from a 1 to an 8... then I realized in my sleepy haze that 178.4 is less than 181 and that this was a good thing! My day was off to a great start.  After Seth dropped the kids off at school we headed to the gym and got to it. 

My rowing was stronger today, but I never quite found my rhythm.  Next I chose a treadmill next to Seth so I could work out the tightness that creeps into my posture when I use the rowing machine. The weight lifting went great and today I really like what I am starting to see.  My arms are really looking stronger, I am feeling confident again, and by golly I can work up a good stink!  After I lifted we needed to leave so Seth could pick our kindergartner up in time so he just dropped me off at the house on the way.  It felt good to do sit ups while my muscles were still twitchy and I smelt like hard work.  Its gonna be a great day.

Running Rebellion

34:59, 2.17 mile trail run

Today was my first true day off with no schedule in a long time, so I slept in till noon of course!  The laziness ended there.  By the time I was done with my Herbalife shake I was itching to go play in the mud so I assembled my trail running pack and hit the road to Norman.

I was so pumped by the time I made it to Lake Thunderbird's Clear Bay mountain bike trailhead, but I was shocked to see a sign across the trail that said "Trail closed due to mud."  But mud was exactly why I was there!  I was torn, I really do try to observe and respect safety rules.  The call of the mud was just too strong, and I ended up ducking under the handwritten sign and running free. 

My legs felt tired right away, but my mind wanted the run too bad to listen.  The woods were peaceful and fresh.  There really wasn't that much mud, just a few slippery spots.  But it was a beautiful day and I really enjoyed the time to run without any expectations or observers.  Can't ask for a better day off!

When the gym is the highlight of your day

181.0
27:50, 2 miles on treadmill
2 sets of leg machines

I was very pleased with the amount of sweat I earned today.  My workout had to be sandwiched into my day as I ended up spending 6 hours working on my day off.  I had to drive past the gym to attend a policy meeting, and it was so tempting to just turn at the gym and pretend that I forgot.  Unfortunately I have a ridiculous work ethic and just couldn't do it.

I did the treadmill beside Seth (he walked) and during my warm up we held hands!  Then I got down to the real stuff and ran.  Surprisingly the headache that has haunted me this afternoon/evening went away while I worked out and I just enjoyed myself.  I wasn't that fast, but I felt great and really worked up a great sweat.
After the workout it was back to rushing so we could pick the car from the shop, eat dinner, and then go back to work to cover for one of my employees that was out sick.  

Best workout in a long time

181.0
15:00 rowing machine
12:50, 1 mile on treadmill
9:10 lifting
35 sit ups

I'm back!  Tonight felt good, I felt like me again.  I had (most of) my energy back and my aggressiveness returned to me as I worked out.  It felt good to row so hard while I rocked out to P!nk!  My legs were sore and sluggish on the treadmill, limiting my speed, but I had the mental and emotional energy to make my body do what I wanted it to again.  I was looking forward to lifting, but the gym ended up being really busy and I had trouble getting the free weights that I needed so I cut that part short.  When I came home the girls did situps with me and helped me count. 

I feel great. I feel strong. I feel like me!

Squeezing in exercise so I don't have to squeeze into my jeans

182.5
50:41, 8.1 mile bicycling

I managed to mess up the department's schedule at work.  So instead of having my planned day of trail running in the morning, and working from noon to 9, instead I need to be at work at 8:30 in the morning and still closing at 9!  I hate letting being too busy derail me from working out all the time so instead I squeezed in some cardio by commuting to and from work.

Exhausting day, but glad I was able to fit in that exercise. And super proud of not eating the cupcakes that Suzanne brought to work!

Juggling with weights

182.5
35 situps
2 sets upper body lifting

We had planned to go the gym after I got home from work, but hey, life happens.  So after dinner, helping my 1st grader with spelling and getting all the monsters to bed, I lifted weights in the living room while I watched TV. Inspiring, right?!

I haven't been completely sedentary, just busy.  On Saturday my mom and I took the kids to Lake Overholser where we walked along the shore, let them play on the playground, and then walked the trail.  Not strenuous, but it was good to just enjoy the outdoors with my kids.

I'm going to do better.  I am changing my diet in hopes of increasing my energy levels and lowering my weight.  Both of which will make working out easier.

Physical Therapy

182.5
2:14:18, 6.5 mile trail run/hike

My weight gain has been bugging me a lot lately, but this morning it was just too much.  The dress I had intended to wear didn't fit.  The second dress at least went on, but it was far from flattering today.  I started crying as I resigned myself to pants.  And I kept crying. Hard.  (Not normal for me, I totally blame hormones)  I was just so frustrated at feeling like I was stuck inside someone else's  body, and so scared of going back to where I was before.  I was too much of a mess, so I decided to call my boss and take a personal day, rather than inflict this on anyone else.

When you take a day off like this you have 2 choices: lay in your pajamas feeling sorry for yourself while you eat chocolate, or put on your running shoes and seek some cleansing sweat.  I was out of chocolate, so I opted for a trail run.

I have had pick-me-up trail runs backfire on me before: you end up feeling like a failure because you can't perform at the level you expected.  So I gave myself permission to walk as much as I wanted, and to run as slow as I needed.  Today was about time in the woods, not meeting any goals. 

It was a glorious day at Lake Thunderbird! By a mile in, things were straightening themselves out. By mile 3 my confidence was back and the future looked brighter.  I ran Blue loop, which I haven't run in a long time, and I had forgotten how beautiful it was.  The recent rains had greened the woods up, there were little clearings of purple thistle and blooming ragweed (pretty for those of us not cursed with allergies), and beautiful views of the lake.  I saw butterflies, lizards, and quite a few whitetail deer.  My energy levels were the best they had been in a while and I was able to just enjoy running.  I walked a lot to take in the scenery, sometimes just stopping to stare and be grateful.

So now I am wornout, sore toed (all that up and down hill), and very content.

At least I tried

10:48, 350 yard swim

Tonight I swam laps at the Y.  Normally I swim 500 yards then go tread water for a while.  Tonight my goal was to swim 30 minutes worth of laps.  I had to stop because of pain, but not where you might expect: my ear!  For some reason my right ear became very painful while I was swimming.  My neck had also been stiff and sore so I decided a good soak in the hot tub and a steam might be more beneficial.  About 5 minutes in the hot tub loosened up the neck, and 5 more minutes in the steam room alleviated the earache.

But at least I tried tonight. I have felt so very sluggish lately.  Saturday we went to the Zoo and walked all over the place.  By the end I felt like I had run a marathon (minus the chaffing and pain of course) and had to drag myself up the last hill.  All I could think about was how much I wanted a nap! 

I'm not sure why it feels like I am running in sand.  Maybe it is just the cumulative effect from the past month of stress.  Maybe it's hormonal, biological, psychological, or just plain illogical!  Trying to get better sleep at night, stress less, eat a little better and look for ways to push through.

renamed: These will be great before pictures

182.4
5:17, .27 mile warm up walk
18:57, 1.24 mile run
5:45, .27 mile cool down walk

The good news is, I went for a run.  The bad news is, I think I may have horrified the neighborhood.

I don't think I have ever felt so self conscious on a run.  I don't think my self image had caught up with the changes taking place on the scale until I was standing in the restroom getting my heart rate monitor sensors wet.  I glanced up at the mirror and realized my tummy was hanging over the top of my tiny little running shorts!

I can only hope that these will make great "before" photos next year!  This is not who I want to be.  And I will get there, Jessica's just not done yet.

My heavy load

181.4
35 situps
2 sets lifting
10 burpees

I have been carrying a lot on my shoulders (figuratively) and on my belly (actually) and it is a frustrating combination to have.  We are going through a very busy period of good changes at work lately and it has dramatically increased the demands on my time.  I am working 6 days straight this week, and today I left the house at 7:45 and didn't get back home from work until 7:30.  Breakfast and lunch were provided at a training, and then I went to a MOB (Making OKC Beautiful) event where I ate a nutritious dinner of pizza and fried ravioli. When I eat all my meals at my desk or at work functions, its no wonder I have put on so much weight.  The amount of time I am spending at work has also made it hard to fit in workouts.  Oh, have I mentioned that I am an emotional eater?!  Not a good combination. 

I am trying to remember that this season will pass.  I will get all my performance evaluations, all the big projects done, and get the department fully staffed again.  Realistically, things are getting better and I should be able to have a life again soon.  I hope to even use my vacation time before it expires!  Insanity!

I am also trying to remember that weight fluctuates and everybody makes mistakes.  Giving up would only make it worse, and eating that second or sixth cookie really isn't going to make me feel better.

So yes, I screwed up food-wise and my fitness is not were I want it to be, but I did get in a workout tonight.  I did not listen to excuses about not having enough time or energy, even though they were pretty valid.  Instead I watched Stars Earn Stripes and dusted off the weight set in my closet.

And you know what? I feel a little better, a little more in control, because I chose to workout.

A bit of perspective

46:38, 8.13 mile bicycling

Since I got sick last week, I have just been exhausted!  I had trouble getting up this morning, even though I slept in past 10.  I decided that I was going to ride my bike to work (another 6 day workweek) since it was doubtful I would get in a workout otherwise.  My heart rate stayed higher than I would have liked it to on the way to work, possibly because I am out of shape or because I am still sick. It was frustrating to feel like I had lost so much of the fitness gains and regained so much of the weight lost.

All of this left me feeling really discouraged this evening.  Unfortunately this has been too normal lately, and I get frustrated that I am not where I want to be (that Jessica's not done yet).  I laid on the couch after dinner, pondering my excessive schedule this week and how in the world to fit in exercise when there are so many other demands on my time and energy, then  for some reason I decided I needed to look at my finisher's medals.  So I took them all out of the box and lined them up. 

I thought about the woman who was so out of shape in 2009 that she couldn't keep up with her mom when they took the kids to the zoo.  I thought about those first laps around the track at the gym, when running always made me puke.  I thought of how frustrating my first 5k was in March 2011.  I thought about the other races, the ones without medals.  Jessica's not done yet, but she is a long way from where she was!  Looking at these tangible representations of miles run, and the blood and sweat that accompanied them, my optimism is restored.  Yes, I have hit roadblocks, yes I have failed at my own rules, yes I am not there yet.  But I am a runner, and I will continue to keep pushing forward.

A couple weeks ago I came across a quote that has stuck with me:

"There will be days when I don't know if I can run a marathon. There will be a lifetime knowing that I have."

- Unknown

And what a sweet knowledge it is.