Monday, November 19, 2012

The latest fad: the Lousy Shot Weight Loss Program

Step 1: wake up ridiculously early (3-5AM) and have a nutritional shake and at least 3 cups of coffee to stay awake while driving to the middle of nowhere.  Coffee acts as a diuretic, speeds up your heart rate, and when taken on an empty stomach gives you a mild sense of nausea all day reducing the real food you will want to eat.

Step 2: Put on your 3 layers of clothes, 20 pound pack (survival gear, food and water, extra ammo, and your new deer skinning accessories you won't get to use), and carry your 6.5 lb rifle omitting a sling for full arm workout.

Step 3:  Hold still in various poses for hours while waiting for a shot, such as kneeling, criss-cross applesauce, and the sphinx pose.  Laying prone on the ground before sunrise and after sunset will sap body heat, so drink more coffee to stop shivering (see step 1 for the many benefits of coffee).  When Step 3 fails to produce any deer, proceed to step 4.

Step 4: Walk 3-4 miles slowly around the countryside (carrying step 2's gear) over the course of the day.  While the speed isn't enough to raise your heart rate, don't worry, the anticipation, the adrenaline of shooting at (and missing) deer, and the creepiness of the walk alone down the twisty overgrown lane in the dark before sunrise and after sunset (complete with surprise bird flights and unidentified rustling in the woods) will do their part to spike your heart rate.

Step 5: As a bonus, missing the deer adds a diet component to the weight loss program as you are forced into vegetarianism.

No comments:

Post a Comment